Although I’ve been making myself too available as of late, I was reviewing Jdate profiles when a rather petite woman caught my eye (even though I prefer taller ones, since they are easier to find in a crowded market). She was in the right age range (46), doesn’t want to have children and lives in L.A.
I sent her a custom e-mail, introducing myself, telling her the things I liked about her profile and asked a simple question, with the hope that by doing so, she’d send me an answer.
I didn’t receive a reply for 2 weeks. But the day after the Oscar awards, she started to chat with me and said that she wanted to see Slumdog Millionaire.
I reviewed the various theaters and schedules and called her in order to ask which theater and show times she preferred. She said an afternoon show would suit her and that I should pick her up (which is extremely bizarre for a first date), and that we should get a bite to eat before the show.
Saying nothing and knowing my ego has no limits, I quickly rationalized the situation:
She’s already got confidence in me due to my ability to make clever conversation!
I picked her up the next day (turns out she lives 2 blocks from my house) and we were on our way. Arriving at a nearby kosher restaurant, I was parking the car when she told me we needed to hurry up and skip the lunch, because she said the movie would be starting very soon (1 hour and 30 minutes ?).
I didn’t want to contradict her sense of timing so I drove to the theater and asked if she’d mind eating a salad at place in the mall where the theatre is. It seems she eats strictly kosher so she said no to the salad idea. Instead, she decided to have some ice-cream.
I bought the tickets, having arrived at the theatre one hour before show-time and noticed that a “Pink Berry Creamery” ice-cream store was also in the mall. She tasted samples of the three, featured flavors of the day - she didn’t like any of them. Then we walked around a little and found another ice-cream shop.
She asked the employee how many more flavors she could sample. The employee was very surprised with her question, but said there was no limit.
She started sampling each ice-cream. After sample 15, she asked the employee if there were any she may have missed. He was very helpful and went to the back of the store to get some additional flavors. The sampling continued… after having tasted no less than 25 flavors she said that although she couldn’t remember the flavors, she was sure she liked the second and the fifth. Of course the employee didn’t remember, so she had to start the tasting process all over again.
After what seemed to be an eon of tasting, she actually made a decision. I ordered the same in order to make things “simpler”.
We sat down at a table and had the following dialog:
“In Jdate there are a lot of non-Jewish people,” she said.
“It’s true,” I replied. “But who can say with 100% certainty, who is a Jew or not?”
She curled up her lip in a slightly indignant way. “Some of them for sure are not Jewish.”
“Yes,” I said.
“Jdate is a Jewish site, why don’t these women look in another place, like E-Harmony or somewhere else?”
“I don’t really know, but why do you want Jdate to lose customers?” I said, hoping
to appease her.
“I’m a Jewish woman and I want a Jewish man. Other women are using Jdate, and they are getting the Jewish men – it’s not fair.”
Not wanting to offend her, I said, “You’re right,” but I was really thinking…what if the government let businesses do as they pleased?... monopoles would certainly be the order of the day.
“You know,” she said, “I dated a man whose profile said that he is ‘mixed ethnic’. He told me his mother was Jewish, but after a while I noted some anti-Semitic behavior.”
“Wooah!” I exclaimed.
“3 days ago, I called him and he told me…” her voice started to tremble.
“What did he tell you?” I said as I kind of cleared my throat.
She began to cry. I felt people were watching me - wondering to themselves – what did that man do to this little lady?
“I’m sorry I asked that question,” I told her simultaneously realizing that perhaps it would be best to say no more. My ego was rapidly deflating… for sure the reason she decided to give me her address was because she had become very desperate after her previous “anti-Semitic” date.
After 5 minutes of continuous crying she suddenly stopped herself, as though she hadn’t shed a tear. “Ok, let’s go see the movie,” she said.
Although the theatre was close by, I realized it was a good thing that we came to the mall early. Working up to a good cry can take quite a bit of preparation.
I thought I had suffered enough to last me at least one week, but soon after the movie started I knew I was wrong. Maybe I had some karma to work-off with the producers because …well, suffice to say, I can’t recommend this movie to anyone - it’s unnecessarily violent, the plot is ridiculous, and the characters are flat.
After ten minutes I decided that I had to find a way to leave, but of course, at the moment that I made that decision, she looked at me and whispered, “It’s Terrific No?”
Now I can’t go to anywhere. Even when I closed my eyes the actors were overacting, yelling and crying - impossible to leave.
I gave up trying to flee as the light from my conscious transcended my thoughts - This is the pain I have created and in fact need to move beyond, to move through the karma with the producers, through her.
Two hours later the movie ended, the date almost finished. I was very happy to bring her home, to her apartment, where I had first picked her-up.
By the time I finally went to sleep – by myself (thank goodness), I realized that I’m really a very happy man to be as yet, unmarried to the wrong woman.
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